Surviving Valentine’s Day

A Personal Note from Mary Grace Musuneggi

It seems we have barely finished taking down the Christmas decorations, when in every store Valentines appear. And, although Valentine’s Day should be something to look forward to in the doldrums of the winter, for many women Valentine’s Day can bring the cold reality of defining themselves in terms of their romantic relationships…or lack thereof.

Remember how in elementary school, you would spend days decorating that shoe box, writing out your cards and choosing the best card for that “someone special,” only to watch that “someone special” walk past your desk to give his “someone special” card to that too adorable, too sweet, “teacher’s pet” little girl who wouldn’t have much as given him the time of day. She would take the card and put it in her box with the other 15 “someone special’ cards she got that day. By the end of the school day, the amount and size and shape of the cards we received defined us as popular…or not; in the right clique…or not; pretty…or not…and so on.

And somehow 20, 30, 40 years later, nothing has changed. Unless our current relationship is with our prince charming, soul mate, life partner–or we are the adult version of the “teacher’s pet”–Valentine’s Day defines us as single, divorced, widowed; unhappily attached; sadly attached; in the wrong relationship with the wrong person; or living with the guy who just will never think to buy us flowers and candy, but he will get our car washed. No matter what, we will define ourselves in terms of our relationship on that day. This holiday can attack self-esteem, produce anxiety, create confusion over lifestyles, and cause a sense of inadequacy for women who are normally intelligent, successful, self-confident and self-assured.

The whole reason for this is that we all have the need to be loved. And thanks to Cinderella and “Pretty Woman” Julia Roberts, we believe that romantic love is the ultimate form of love. And Valentine’s Day is all about romantic love.

So how do you survive this if you are not currently in a romantically loving relationship?

You can begin by focusing on who you love and who loves you. Even if this is your kid sister or your mom, you can be reassured that you are a lovable person. Hang out with your mom. Take your little sister shopping. Spend some time being grateful for who you are and what is special about you. These thoughts will reassure you and remind you of your self-worth while restoring your self-esteem. Plan to spend February revisiting the goals you had set for yourself going into the new year. Concentrate on the things that are important to you.

Do something special for yourself. Go to a spa, get a professional pedicure, or get a massage. Send Valentine’s cards to everyone you know. You will feel good for doing it and they will feel great for receiving it. And for some people, this may be the only card they get. Write on each card, “For Someone Special.” Prepare your favorite dinner, have a glass of wine and watch your favorite movie. Use this time to become the kind of person you would love or the person you would love to be. Use the day to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Create a special memory. Valentine’s Day will come and go. Memories can last forever.

Vacuuming…Not Just for Hoover Anymore

By Mary Grace Musuneggi

When most women hear the word vacuuming, they initially think of their Hoover or Dyson. Vacuuming brings up visions of removing unwanted stuff off of their floors and carpets. But vacuuming also means emptying a space of everything. There is a natural law that says “nature hates a vacuum.” It simply means if you remove something from a space, nature will fill the space with something else. For instance, pour water out of a glass and as the water flows out, air flows in.

Another natural law that goes with this is “two things cannot fit in the same place at the same time.” You can’t fill the glass with water and fill it with air.

But the importance of these laws relates more to how we fill up our lives. Too many of us have filled our lives with things that are not good or valuable. We have closets full of ill-fitting, outdated clothes. We have uncomfortable home furnishings. Our living space is cluttered and disorganized. We have bad financial situations, bad debts. We are in unhappy or abusive relationships. We work a job that is unsuitable for us or brings us no satisfaction.

So if two things can’t fit in the same place at the same time, how can we bring in better clothes or better home furnishings? A better job? Happy and loving relationships?

We can’t make room for the good until we have vacuumed out the bad. When the space is cleared to make room for something better, nature will fill the void.

We need to ask ourselves, “Does this person, place, thing, outfit, career, situation, fit the design I have for my life?” If you were writing the script for your life, could you say that you have assembled the right characters, scenery, and costumes to make it a smashing success? If not, create vacuums.

Now it certainly may be easy enough to vacuum out a worn pair of shoes or an old sweater. But what about relationships? Friendships?

One of my favorite quotes is by Steve Maraboli as he reminds us:

“Let go of the people who dull your shine, poison your spirit, and bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issue.”

So ask yourself if the people who fill up your space actually bring you joy, make you a better you, support your efforts, cheer you on, and allow you to be who you really want to be. If not…get out your Hoover and vacuum.

Taking Responsibility for Where You Are

For the past eight years, I have been reading the Day Book, Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Each day of the year there is an inspirational reading that sends women on a journey to finding themselves, to simplifying their lives, and to walking a path of fulfillment and contentment.

As I prepared to start the readings again in 2016, I reflected on how I began this ritual those many years ago. I recalled being told by a friend that this book was a “must read.” And I remember someone else telling me that she read the book every day, every year, but it didn’t mean much to her until she made the decision to understand where she was in life, take responsibility for that life and then choose to do something better. Then reading the book every day gave her encouragement and the desire to live with passion.

At the beginning of this New Year, we should all do the same.

Have you ever heard people say that if they had the money, they would go on a cruise? Or if they had the time they would take an art class. If they had the support they would start a business. If the kids were older? If the weather was better? If the world was safer? If, if, if!

So often on the road of life, excuses for why we don’t accomplish our goals are very much the same. It’s someone else’s fault: your spouse, your employer, your family. It’s the economy, society, the government. Circumstances. Or the popular, “I had an unhappy childhood.” It is always easy to blame someone or something else for where we are. Or why we don’t move on. But the only way to get beyond where we are is to take responsibility for it. Only by doing that do we have a chance of getting what we want. Taking responsibility means we have made the choices and now we can make better ones. Responsibility gives us control and power.

Her journey of thousand miles could never happen, because she was unwilling to take the first step.

Years ago I was introduced to a woman named Jane, the mother of four boys, who had lost her husband to cancer. At the time, she was not working. Her friends were hoping I could give her some guidance through this period and get her life back on track. Although, of course, she was not responsible for her husband’s death, she was responsible for how she was handing it and how it was impacting her life. She said she was running out of money and wanted to know what she should do. She was getting Social Security for her two youngest sons, but she knew that would stop in a few years. She was forty years old, had been trained as a nurse, and was healthy and attractive. She lived in a large, beautiful home, and the mortgage was paid off. Two of her sons had jobs and all four boys still lived at home.

As I knew that nurses were at a premium in my city, I first suggested that she look for a job. I could recommend a career counselor that she could talk to. Her response was that she was hoping not to work, as she hadn’t had to work when her husband was alive. At that point I just decided not to argue with her about how things weren’t the same now that he was dead and that working seemed to be a simple solution to her problem. Instead, I suggested that she consider selling the house and moving to a smaller place. She said that she would never want to sell the house, and that the boys would be really upset if she did. Although I started to recognize that I might be taking to a wall, I suggested that if the boys chose to stay in the house, they should contribute to the bills. Two of them had incomes; she could charge them rent. She told me she could never ask her children for money.

So I said, “Well you don’t want to work, you don’t want to sell the house, and you don’t want the boys to contribute, so what were you thinking?” She replied, “I have no idea. That is why I came to talk to you. I thought you could help me, but obviously you can’t.”

If only I’d had the magic wand to make things “all better.” But if I had, I would have used it on myself long ago. Jane had a goal: to maintain the lifestyle she’d had while her husband was living. But she hadn’t taken a good look around and figured out where she was now. And she wasn’t willing to take responsibility for where she was at that point in her life. Her journey of thousand miles could never happen, because she was unwilling to take the first step.

As I read Simple Abundance once again this year, I realize that where I am today is where I chose somehow to be, and I look to Sarah to once again inspire me to take the steps to keep me walking my chosen path. I long ago took the first step on the journey to where I wanted my life to be.

Sometimes the first step isn’t clear. Sometimes is it very obvious. In any case, it isn’t truly a step until you pick up your foot and move.

In this New Year, my wish for you is insight– insight to where you are and how you got here–as well as a wish that you find whatever you need as inspiration for keeping you on the path to a life of abundance, fulfillment, and contentment.

Happy 2016!

Mary Grace Musuneggi